Heartsickness and Letting Go

I haven't sat down to write in a really long time. In the face of a bunch of changes that are taking place, I have been feeling a little overwhelmed and a little sad. Sad? Why sad? Well, I miss my children. They are well, and happy as far as I can tell from my cyber-stalking of them. Don't look shocked. It's the only way I get ANY information about them at all. If that's all I can get, I'll take it. But, I was thinking about it today, and it seems to be a pattern in my life. For as long as I can remember, as far back as I can stretch my mind, there has ALWAYS been someone missing from my life. When I was growing up in South Carolina, it was my step-father (the only father figure I have more than a shadowy memory of) who was on the go. I'd cry heartbrokenly whenever he went on another trip. Back then, I also missed my grandparents. Then I went to live with my grandparents. And the person missing was my mother. I can't remember missing her the way that I missed Daddy, but I am sure I must have. Then I grew up and moved away. And I missed everyone. Here's something I came across that I wrote back in 2003 when I had an online journal:

June 9, 2003 Ramblings of Homesickness This month marks the 12th year that I have been living in Kuwait. On some levels it doesn't really seem that I have been here that long. Some places and things haven't changed much in all that time. Other things have changed quite drastically. I remember when I first got here and I was pregnant with Suzi. I had had such cravings for pizza and there wasn't a Pizza Hut in sight! There was a place called Pizza Italia (a horrid chain of pizza pits with the greasiest pizza I have ever come across) but I'll tell you, beggars can't be choosy, and I ate that stuff like there was no tomorrow!! Today, when I go to town, I am tempted by old favorites like Subway, Domino's, Pizza Hut, Sbarro's, McDonald's, Burger King, A & W, Dairy Queen, Long John Silver's, TGI Friday's, Appleby's, and Fudruckers! I am amazed by the sheer number of these places. I can't help feeling homesick, though, when I go to these places because each of them hold memories of times that I had with my friends and family back home. Twelve years is a long time to be away from home. Of course, I've been back to visit a few times, but not nearly often enough. My two youngest children have never even seen their great-grandparents, and I wonder (on my face-reality days) if they ever will. I feel sorry for them that they are missing out on being surrounded by the special brand of love and kindness and caring that my grandparents gave me. I also hate that my grandparents have great-grandchildren that they can't throw their arms around and smother with hugs and kisses. I know that my life is something I chose; I didn't have to leave behind everything I ever knew and come to this hellishly hot, barren country. Of course, there was never any question, really. I was young and in love. That pretty much says it all, don't you think? Still, I am homesick. I miss the smell of freshly mown grass. I miss the sound of summer rain hitting the pavement and the scent of the wet lawn coming in through the windows. Most of all, I miss my Grams and Grandpa sitting around in the evenings (Grandpa in his recliner and Grams in her regular spot on the couch - Kitiara in her lap) with me in a rocker watching Jeopardy! and trying to yell out the answers before anyone else does. I pray that they have many many more years to live and that we make it home to them and give them many many years to make up for all the time lost with these great-grandchildren of theirs. I hope you who read this take a few minutes to tell the ones you love how much you care about them. Don't take them for granted. -Susan

Well, now here I am, back in the States, and I'm happy - I am! I only wish that my children were here with me. That would make this happiness complete. I want to share it with them. They had me when I was depressed and miserable; when each day was a struggle for me to conjure up a smile and I would bounce back and forth between crazy happy and insanely angry because of it. I wish they could see me now. I wish they wanted to. The alternative - letting them go - that's just not possible,

Oh, well. If you're reading this, I hope you'll take that last line from my journal entry to heart. I know I will.