Heartsickness and Letting Go

I haven't sat down to write in a really long time. In the face of a bunch of changes that are taking place, I have been feeling a little overwhelmed and a little sad. Sad? Why sad? Well, I miss my children. They are well, and happy as far as I can tell from my cyber-stalking of them. Don't look shocked. It's the only way I get ANY information about them at all. If that's all I can get, I'll take it. But, I was thinking about it today, and it seems to be a pattern in my life. For as long as I can remember, as far back as I can stretch my mind, there has ALWAYS been someone missing from my life. When I was growing up in South Carolina, it was my step-father (the only father figure I have more than a shadowy memory of) who was on the go. I'd cry heartbrokenly whenever he went on another trip. Back then, I also missed my grandparents. Then I went to live with my grandparents. And the person missing was my mother. I can't remember missing her the way that I missed Daddy, but I am sure I must have. Then I grew up and moved away. And I missed everyone. Here's something I came across that I wrote back in 2003 when I had an online journal:

June 9, 2003 Ramblings of Homesickness This month marks the 12th year that I have been living in Kuwait. On some levels it doesn't really seem that I have been here that long. Some places and things haven't changed much in all that time. Other things have changed quite drastically. I remember when I first got here and I was pregnant with Suzi. I had had such cravings for pizza and there wasn't a Pizza Hut in sight! There was a place called Pizza Italia (a horrid chain of pizza pits with the greasiest pizza I have ever come across) but I'll tell you, beggars can't be choosy, and I ate that stuff like there was no tomorrow!! Today, when I go to town, I am tempted by old favorites like Subway, Domino's, Pizza Hut, Sbarro's, McDonald's, Burger King, A & W, Dairy Queen, Long John Silver's, TGI Friday's, Appleby's, and Fudruckers! I am amazed by the sheer number of these places. I can't help feeling homesick, though, when I go to these places because each of them hold memories of times that I had with my friends and family back home. Twelve years is a long time to be away from home. Of course, I've been back to visit a few times, but not nearly often enough. My two youngest children have never even seen their great-grandparents, and I wonder (on my face-reality days) if they ever will. I feel sorry for them that they are missing out on being surrounded by the special brand of love and kindness and caring that my grandparents gave me. I also hate that my grandparents have great-grandchildren that they can't throw their arms around and smother with hugs and kisses. I know that my life is something I chose; I didn't have to leave behind everything I ever knew and come to this hellishly hot, barren country. Of course, there was never any question, really. I was young and in love. That pretty much says it all, don't you think? Still, I am homesick. I miss the smell of freshly mown grass. I miss the sound of summer rain hitting the pavement and the scent of the wet lawn coming in through the windows. Most of all, I miss my Grams and Grandpa sitting around in the evenings (Grandpa in his recliner and Grams in her regular spot on the couch - Kitiara in her lap) with me in a rocker watching Jeopardy! and trying to yell out the answers before anyone else does. I pray that they have many many more years to live and that we make it home to them and give them many many years to make up for all the time lost with these great-grandchildren of theirs. I hope you who read this take a few minutes to tell the ones you love how much you care about them. Don't take them for granted. -Susan

Well, now here I am, back in the States, and I'm happy - I am! I only wish that my children were here with me. That would make this happiness complete. I want to share it with them. They had me when I was depressed and miserable; when each day was a struggle for me to conjure up a smile and I would bounce back and forth between crazy happy and insanely angry because of it. I wish they could see me now. I wish they wanted to. The alternative - letting them go - that's just not possible,

Oh, well. If you're reading this, I hope you'll take that last line from my journal entry to heart. I know I will.

Machboos ala Dajaj (Spiced Chicken and Rice)

After nearly 20 years in the Middle East, you can bet I have a few recipes that I fell in love with. Machboos (مكبوس) is one of them.  The word refers to a dish made of rice and spiced meat (lamb, chicken, fish, or - not so commonly - beef) and is traditional in the Gulf States. The spices - called baharat (بهارات) - used in machboos are what gives it its distinctive flavor; these are generally black pepper, cloves, cardamom, saffron, cinnamon, black lime, bay leaves and nutmeg. The main ingredient that accompanies the spices is the meat, such as chicken, goat, lamb, camel, or sometimes beef, fish, and shrimp. In chicken machboos, a whole chicken is traditionally used. This dish is almost always garnished with a mix of almonds, pine nuts, onions and sultanas called ḥashū (حشو‎) and is served with daqqūs (دقّوس‎)- a home-made tomato sauce - or plain yogurt, or both.

 I've talked about baharat before, so I won't get into that here. Instead, I'm going to share my recipe for the dish which I just made for dinner last night, sans ḥashū and daqqūs, because I'd used the last of my baharat for the actual main dish. Without further ado, let me introduce you to

 Machboos ala Dajaj

2 lg onions, chopped
2 T samneh (ghee, clarified butter)
1 T baharat
1 t tumeric
3 pieces of cinnamon bark
1 t cardamom seeds (or about 8 pods, bruised - I prefer to remove the pods)
1 t powdered loomi (dried lime)
1 C chopped tomatoes (more if you like them a lot - I don't)
4 t salt
4 cloves
2 lg chicken breasts, cubed
2 T fresh parsley, chopped
2 T fresh cilantro, chopped
2 1/2 C water
2 C basmati rice

Steps:
1) In a deep pan, saute your onions in the ghee until they soften and start to brown then stir in the baharat and turmeric and cook for a couple more minutes.

Onions sauteing happily.

2) Add the chicken and stir to cover with the onion and spices, allowing chicken to brown slightly before adding the tomatoes, cloves, loomi, cinnamon, cardamom, and salt.

Chicken in 1" sized cubes

Chicken in the pan

3) Add water, cover, and simmer while you get the rice ready.

4) Choose a good quality basmati rice.  It can be difficult to find a really good basmati here in the US. This is the best one I've found.  It's decent, and can stand up to longer cooking times without breaking down or getting mushy.









5) You're going to want to rinse the rice, so measure it out and put it into a bowl.  Pick out any discolored grains then rinse in several changes of water until the water runs clear. Drain.

6) Gently stir the rice into the pot.








7) Add the chopped herbs and stir gently.  You don't want to break up the rice grains.



8) When everything has been gently incorporated, cover it and simmer on low for 40 - 50 minutes (or until your rice is cooked and the chicken is tender).  You should gently stir a couple of times so that it doesn't stick to the bottom of the pan. If you end up with too much liquid, but everything is done cooking, just turn up the heat a bit and gently stir to cook it off.

9) Dinner is ready to serve! Traditionally, it would be piled into a large platter with the chicken placed in the center, with the daqqūs served in a bowl on the side and ḥashū sprinkled over the top.

Bil afia!! “In good health”