I Love You, Suzi

You've been on my mind every day since I left - all of you have.  I hope you don't doubt that.  For whatever reason, the past couple of days, you in particular have been in my thoughts constantly.  I can't  imagine what's different than any other day that I bear the constant, continuous hollowness that aches because I can't hear your voice or see your smile, but incredibly enough, I hurt even more.  It's incredible because I didn't even believe that was possible.  

Yesterday, I heard a song on the radio that I'd never heard before, and I don't even know the artist, but her voice sounded exactly like yours and so I listened until about halfway through when I couldn't stand it anymore and changed the station.  I just sat and cried for awhile, wondering how you were doing and if you were maybe thinking about me.  

Forgiveness isn't mine to ask for, I know, and yet I am begging you for it the only way that I know how to.  Kindness isn't what I deserve from you and still I'm throwing myself at your mercy, praying that you might grant me just a little. 

I love you.

Always and forever,
Mom

A Change of Pace

My antibiotics are nearly done and I got the Teasel and Self Heal a few days ago.  I self-tested for the Teasel and after a positive result, took it.  I've been taking it once a day since. The change in how I feel is remarkable.  I honestly did not expect to get such an immediate and very clear change, but I did, almost within hours!  But then, that first night, I had the mother of all migraines.

And So the Journey Continues

My last blog was all about the discovery that I have Lyme and my plan to document the journey, wherever it leads me.  So, here I am today, feeling frustrated with the level of pain and general malaise in my body and my complete inability to do a thing about it.  I am still anxiously waiting for the herbs and herbal tinctures that I've ordered to arrive and  I'm taking my antibiotic religiously. (Which, now that I am in the third week, is causing a rather annoying fungal infection - oh, JOY!)

My Journey With Lyme

My journey with Lyme began a little over a month ago - quite recent compared to some horror stories which I've heard about.  It all began with a tick, as Lyme journeys are wont to do, which is ironic when you consider the fact that I am a serious creepy-crawlyphobe.  I'd give it a real scientific name, but it's not as simple as arachnophobia or insectophobia, so let's just leave that at that.

At any rate, the irony is, I was dressed to fend off the unwanted beasties.  My socks were long and tight on my calves; my pants were elastic at the ankles. I had my shirt tucked into my pants, and long sleeves on.

Product Testing - iQ Derm SmartLash

I've never had long, luscious lashes.  I have to layer on the mascara to even get them to show up.  Same goes for my eyebrows, but that's another story.  I've gotten so used to not seeing them (they're very fair) that if I do try to pencil them in, even with the lightest shade of eyebrow pencil, I look like some kind of clown.

As I said, the eyebrows are another story.  Let's get back to the lashes.  So, I got this tube of eyelash enhancer called iQ Derma SMARTLASH Eyelash Enhancer.  The manufacturer claims that it is completely free from the harsh side effects of other lash enhancement products, and is ophthalmologist-approved for wearers of contact lenses and sensitive eyes. Results may be seen in as little as seven days.  Well,  I'm game! Let's see what happens. 

Cheesy Grits and Eggs

If you've never had grits, or had them but hated them, I'm going to humbly suggest you give this recipe a try anyway.  While the name - grits? Really? - might sound off-putting, there is very little that is as satisfying on a chilly morning than a steaming bowl of creamy, buttery hominy grits and scrambled eggs. Without further ado, here's how I do it:

Butter Paneer Masala

One of my all-time favorite North Indian dishes is Butter Paneer Masala.  I blame my wonderful co-teachers that introduced me to it in the staffroom of FAIPS-DPS.  It's all your fault, ladies! And I am infinitely grateful to you.  Once I had my first taste, I was hooked!  Of course, I asked for the recipe and was immediately inundated with about 6 different variations, some recommended browning the paneer, others said you should not.  Some added asafoetida, others said it was not required; one mentioned cashew nut paste ... the variations were dizzying!  Well, I tried out each recipe on its own - all of them fantastic! - but then I decided to make it my own.  It's really isn't at all complicated and I have to say, my recipe comes out as thick, yummy and creamy as any you will find at the finest Indian restaurants.  So, without further ado, here's

It's That Time of Year Again

MOM! Get him off me. I was here first!

It has been downright chilly the past few days.  There is a cool crispness in the air that foretells of winter's approach and the need to pull out the sweaters and comforters and big fuzzy slippers.  I haven't had much time for blogging lately, either. What with the new puppy, Fionnbharr,
and the toddler, affectionately called "The Bear", life is pretty much full, but in the best possible way. As I am trying to write this, I can tell there is something going on in the other room that I am probably not going to be happy about. Still, I love this time of year, when I get to make all of the warm, rich comfort foods that we tend not to want during the warmer months - hang on ... *pauses to go look in the other room*

Bringin' Back my Sexy

So, I'm nearly done with Round 1 of P90X! Wow, I can hardly believe how quickly the time flew by, even though I have had a lot of trouble recapturing the motivation and stamina that I started with, thanks to the bout of mono that decided to blindside me.  I have stuck with it, restarting a week every now and then because I felt that I had not been "Bringin' It!"  Still, very nearly done now, and rather than go straight into Round 2, Jeff and I have decided to give a different BeachBody program, ChaLEAN Extreme®,  a go.  Should arrive just as Day 90 rolls around. I can't WAIT!!!

Honestly, though, I really, really want to try the Brazil Butt Lift® but Jeff isn't as keen to do that one. I think he's a little miffed that I mentioned his butt could use a tad lifting.  I'm more than willing to give Chalene's program a shot, however. This one is the precursor to TurboFire® and we are most likely going to be giving that one a go 'round, too, at some point.

You know what's funny? (And by "funny" I don't mean "funny, ha-ha", I mean "funny, strange") I can't recall ever being this excited and gung-ho about trying new workouts. What's awesome is how much fun I'm having. Seriously, who knew getting into shape could be anything other than grueling and dreadful? I'm really looking forward to the day after Day 90 so that I can give ChaLEAN Extreme a try ... and who knows? Maybe by the time we've done that for awhile Jeff will cave in and we'll both be rockin' the Brazil Booties.

How's THIS for Morning Randomness?

I need coffee and because we're all out of Parker's Maple Barn's yumminess, a spoonful of maple syrup will just have to make the peaberry awesome.

And because I love random, here is a sketch I did back in high school.  I'm not quite sure exactly what I was going for with this, but it makes me smile just the same.

Drawn 1/6/1987, so I was a junior at KHS 

Become a Team Beachbody® Coach for FREE!!!

If you are actively serving in our Military, listen up! Team Beachbody® is excited to offer a great opportunity to you. When active duty members of the military enroll as a Team Beachbody® Coach, the cost of your business starter kit ($39.95) and your monthly business fee ($14.95) are waived (FREE) during the time of your active duty orders! If you're already a Team Beachbody® Coach and on active duty, your monthly business service fee will be waived for the duration of your active duty orders.

This is a great opportunity for you to get 25% off Beachbody® products like P90X®, Insanity®, Shakeology®, P90X Results and Recovery Formula®, P90X® Bars and much, much more! Team Beachbody also ships to APO/FPO!

This offer is not just for you! If you are active duty and do not want to take advantage of this offer, your spouse may enroll as an Independent Team Beachbody Coach to take advantage of this waiver of standard fees.

How to get started with the Beachbody® Military Coach Program

Complete the Beachbody® Coach application, and submit the completed Coach application, together with a copy of your active duty orders or any suitable verification of your status, such as a copy of your military ID or your BIR, to our Coach Relations team for further review and processing.

If you want to be part of my awesome Beachbody Coach team, contact me for the application and fax cover sheet and I will send it to you. If you want to be part of a different team, contact that person instead.

If you do not have access to either a printer or a fax, let me know that when you contact me and I will arrange to snail mail the forms to you.

Click here to request the Team Beachbody® Military Coach Application

Tony Horton Wants YOU to be a Team Beachbody Coach

Tony Horton - yes, the creator of P90X himself wants you to become a Beachbody Coach. Don't believe it? Then read the following letter, taken from his facebook fan page wall:

"Boys and girls,

I'm unaware of your financial situation but I do believe that you're reading this page because you care about your health and fitness. If you have plenty of income and love your job then what I’m about to tell you might not be for you. If you're not thrilled with the way you make a living, would like extra income, love Beachbody products, like the way they make you look and feel, enjoy helping other people feel and look better, enjoy setting your own hours, get excited about being the captain of your own ship as opposed to working for the man - then listen up.

The reality is, your health and fitness moves beyond you. It impacts the people around you. You (whether you like it or not) have the power to change lives based solely on your own personal transformation. Inadvertently you become a catalyst for change. This is how I got started. I was clueless, asked a few questions based on my need to be strong and healthy, stayed with it and people in my life wanted to know what I was doing. Simple yet powerful.

If you want to share what you've learned with people in your life who want better health (and could use extra income in the process) then you should consider becoming a Team Beachbody Coach.   I felt so strongly about this program that I’ve encouraged many of my friends to become coaches, even my own sister.  She is doing great (even though my contract with Beachbody won’t let me help her).  She is a perfect example of someone who had plenty of doubt and hesitation regarding the coaching opportunity and still found a way to make it work for her. A busy working wife and mother with three very active kids doesn't sound like a good candidate to start an in-home multi-level marketing company. Did you say multi level marketing? What? Ick! You mean pyramid scheme right? Okay chill out. All these fears would be true if Beachbody were selling hats or kitty liter, but this is Beachbody people! The number 1 in-home fitness company on the planet! P90X is steadily becoming the most popular fitness system in US history. Shakeology is the revolutionary replacement meal on the market today. We sell life-altering change - not soap. Tens of thousands of regular folk around this country are doing something they love because of this coach opportunity.  

The unemployment rate still hovers around 10% but it doesn't have to be that way if more people were willing to see that new opportunities exist all around them. The Team Beachbody Coaching opportunity is one of them. Health care companies, pharmaceutical companies and our government are not capable of solving this obesity crisis and we can't wait around for them to do it. The crisis is now and the answer is YOU! I know that sounds a bit Rah Rah but it's true.

Cynics don't need to apply, but if you're sick and tired of the status quo and want to make a difference in your own life and in the lives of those around you, then open the door.  The two major issues of our time - the health care issue and unemployment rate could be resolved if a million more people in this country decided to get healthy and share the wealth. This is a brand new industry waiting to explode. It's not happening in boardrooms or factories – it’s happening in the homes of tens of thousands of Team Beachbody Coaches and in the homes of their customers.  With a tiny investment ... and a willingness to help people, the sky's the limit."

- Tony Horton (Creator of P90X)
Become A Beachbody Coach!

Whatever Happened to TACT?

I'm overweight.  I know I am.  It isn't something that I am proud of but it is definitely something I decided to take control of and I am doing something about it.  As a matter of fact, since I started P90X I have lost 11 pounds and a ton of inches off my midsection alone.  I feel fantastic, I have mega-energy and stamina - definitely a boon with a toddler - and I don't get as depressed as I did just a few months prior to starting it.  Those are major pluses in my book.

There's a Bump in the Road

If you've been reading my blog lately, you know that I've been sick for awhile now. Well, the antibiotics didn't knock out whatever is plaguing me.  When I called the doctor's office to let them know what's going on, I got an off-handed, "Oh, well, you don't have strep." from the nurse. Seriously? OK, then, what do I have? When can I see the doctor? This lady obviously had not taken a telephone etiquette course and had no idea how to deal with a very ill, squeaky-voiced patient. "I have no one here that can see you this afternoon," she told me tersely.  Yes, I know, I spoke to the receptionist this morning. She told me that there was a single doctor in and only for the morning. Perhaps you can squeeze me in to see her this morning?  She didn't even pause to pretend to look for a spot for me before repeating, "I have no one here that can see you." 

30 Days into the P90X Journey

I have been sick for the last week and while I've been on antibiotics since last Friday, my throat is killing me, my body still feels like the entire Greyhound bus line ran over me - twice! - and now I have a lovely cough to add into the mix.  I think the doctor may have been off on her diagnosis. *insert eye-roll here*

Needless to say, it has made my daily P90X workouts impossible to do. I toughed it out most days, but I was "dogging it" for the most part, calling it quits way before I normally would have.  Yesterday was supposed to be Plyometrics, and there was absolutely NO way I was going to be doing any jump training. I felt like Death Warmed Over For the 5th Time This Week. I actually fell asleep on the sofa as Jeff was doing the work out, acupuncture needles in my hand and foot, trying to encourage this illness out of me. This morning is loads better than last night, but I am so ready to be well again.  

My current state of health aside, this morning I pulled on the same outfit I had on for my "BEFORE" photos and got Jeff to snap some of the half-way point.  All month long I was a little discouraged by the relative lack of inch-loss, even though I got constant comments from people telling me that they could see that I had lost weight. In actuality, I started at 196.8 lbs and on Sunday (my weigh & measure day) I was at 190.6.  To me, that's not a lot of weight-loss.  Add to that this past week of totally not Bringin' It, and I'd been feeling a bit down in the dumps.

Then I reminded myself that muscle weighs more than fat, and I have certainly been building some muscle. So, maybe these people have not just been trying to be nice. Not until I put the two pictures together did it really become clear to me just how much it is true! I'm stoked at the differences!!

     BEFORE P90X                          30 DAYS INTO P90X

The first thing that caught my attention is the fact that those leg bands are now loose on my thighs! For me, that is HUGE! You have to understand that even when I wore size 3 jeans, in comparison to the rest of my body, I had THUNDER THIGHS.  They were a "double blessing" from my biological father and my mother (according to my mom's own words).  Honestly, a blessing I wouldn't have missed not having, but alas ...

Still, as you can see in the two pictures, there really is something to this P90X thing. My face has slimmed down, my arms are not quite as flabby, my tummy and waist are a lot smaller and I've got less "cushiony-ness" across the top of my chest and shoulders. All in all, I'm pleased with what I'm seeing.  Tonight is Back and Biceps along with Ab Ripper X.  Even feeling the way I do right now my plan is to do my best to BRING IT!!

If you're interested in how you can achieve your own goal of personal health and fitness, click this link:
or visit my Team Beachbody site to read even more incredible stories of REAL people who did are are still doing P90X because for them (like me) it became a life change.

Why Search for a Substitute?

I have never been one to diet or go in for nutritional fads, protein drinks or anything like that, but I have always taken a daily multivitamin.  Needless to say, if you've read any of my previous posts, you'll have noticed that I am not big on fruit and veggie department, meaning, my diet could use improvement.

Enter Shakeology. I know I've mentioned it before, and lately, I have been raving about it to all of my friends and family members.  One thing I keep hearing is, "It's so expensive."  

Really? I know that it might sound expensive at first, but work with me here. First off, after breaking down the cost of a month's supply, it averages out to about $4 a shake. You can easily spend more than that at Starbucks or Peets.

Then there are the incomparable ingredients.  I'm talking about the more than 70 different ingredients that were chosen from around the world for their potency and bioavailability (the ability to deliver the nutrients your body needs). Things like yacon, sacha inchi, goji berries, green tea ... and on and on. If you are one of those people looking for a Shakeology alternative - it is time to think again. I have done a bunch of research online looking for possible substitutions, cheaper alternatives.  The products that I have found just cannot compete. Oh, there are plenty of meal replacement shakes that have very little vitamins, no protein, and contain either sugar or a sugar substitute. There are also were protein shakes only they have very few vitamins and contain sugar or sugar substitutes. None of the products contain any antioxidants. The only way you're going to come even close to getting everything that Shakeology gives you is to start combining several different products.  And believe me, that will get very expensive.  I defy you to find anything that comes even close to providing the nutritional and health benefits that you can get in Shakeology. Check out the ingredients list (pdf download here) and read everything you could possibly want to know about it right here.

Once you realize that Shakeology really is the healthiest meal of the day, I'd love to hear from you! Email me  branwen@beachbodycoach.com or leave a comment below.

It Doesn't Get Easier

I don't know what makes people say things like that; "It will get easier with time."  You know what? It doesn't.  It's been over three years since I left my kids in Kuwait and I miss them every single day and the ache of not being able to touch, hold, see, or speak to them is like a gaping hole in my heart that isn't going to heal.  There are days when I can talk about them and smile and laugh at the memories of fun times we had or silly things that we did together, but underneath that is always the raw, empty hurt.

I have tried to reach out to my oldest three with varying degrees of success.  The younger of the three wants nothing to do with me.  My eldest sent me an email telling me that she tried but just wasn't ready.  And the middle one, my eldest son - my baby who used to grab my feet and kiss them because he loved me so dearly - he's suddenly stopped communicating with me on Facebook.  Not that it was anything other than sporadic in the first place, but it was something.*heavy hearted sigh*

I know that I have been given blessings beyond measure in my son, Cernan, and his father, both of whom I love dearly. Still ... when is it finally going to be true? When is it going to be easier?

Day 23, Round 1, P90X

It's tough.  No, really, it has not been an easy 23 days by any stretch of the imagination.  And this is Day 2 of the RECOVERY week!! LOL  Well, that said, I feel amazing. I mean, my muscles ache.  They've been worked in ways that they haven't been worked in a really long time - at least since Boot Camp back in the late 80's. 

So, to update you on my latest achievements: I got a pair of body fat calipers and I used them.  On the 18th of this month, to be exact.  I was at 37% body fat then.  ONE WEEK LATER: 34.8% body fat! I don't know about you, but I'm impressed. I am looking forward to the 30 day mark, when I snap more pictures to compare to my starting ones.  I have no doubt there is going to be a rather amazing transformation.

One thing I will say is that I am actually sticking - mostly - to the eating plan.  Phase One is not my favorite part of it.  As a matter of fact, I hate it. I have always been a firm believer that I could survive on a couple loaves of bread and a pound of butter a week, but in Phase One of THE PLAN, that's not an option.  It's not even an afterthought.  In Phase One, you have to cut out almost all carbs and stick to high protein foods and lots of veggies.  I like a good steak as much as the next gal, but I sure do miss my side of baked potato (complete with all the other badness, like cheese and sour cream) followed by dessert. Seriously, no carbs. *pout* Did I mention lots of veggies? I'm not a fan. I've been told that most of the vegetables that I do like are actually the ones that I should eat less of. Go figure. *sigh*

BUT!! There is a bright spot in all of this and that is SHAKEOLOGY!

Click to read more about this awesome nutritional drink!

With this one shake, I feel better about not having a huge slab of chocolate mousse pie.  Seriously, it's deliciously yummy, even when I don't add in a tablespoon of all natural peanut butter or a few drops of pure vanilla or a banana or ... you can probably see where I'm going with this. It's versatile and really, really tastes great and pssst! It's good for me!! Who knew?

Anyway, I'm pretty excited about the changes I'm seeing in my body, both physically as well as emotionally. All in all, I have to say P90X is a rather awesome program. 

Day 9, P90X - Still "Bringin' It!"

I have to be honest; as I watched the infomercial for P90X, I thought to myself, "There is no WAY I would ever be able to do this." Let's face it, first of all, I am no spring chicken. I mean, yeah, I celebrated my 21st birthday (yet AGAIN) back in October, but, these people are jumping all over the place, doing pull-ups (!!!), push-ups and all sorts of other torturous looking exercises. I have asthma, bad knees, a congenital deformity of my spine, and I'm FAT!! *insert eye roll here*

Well, despite all that, I had reached a decision and that was that while Oxycise! is a fantastic program, it wasn't working for me the way that it had many, many, many years ago. (Do not start trying to do the math. I just got done telling you; I'm 21.)  So, I shelved the O! dvds, I moped for awhile, I cried over the fat chick in the mirror,  and finally, after watching Tony Horton and his cohorts for about the 12th time, I told Jeff, "I want to do this."  

Not ones to jump into anything half-way, we decided to become Beachbody coaches. The first week was not nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. Don't get me wrong: It was NOT easy!  But I didn't die. One of the best things is that Tony is SUCH a fantastic person to listen to. He motivates you without sounding corny.  He reminds you that, hey, if you can't do it as hard or as fast or as long as we are doing it, that's OK.  "Do your best and forget the rest!" Sounds canned, but you know what? It is exactly what I needed to hear and the occasional reminders of that simple phrase keep me from coming down too hard on myself. 

Last night was Day 9 - Plyometrics (or "Pyrometrics" if you are a sweet man who I hope to meet in the future).  Anyway, when we did it our first week, we were gassing out well ahead of the folks on the video.  We hadn't heeded the warning not to eat too close to the workout and both of us came close to hurling several times. Last night, however, it became clear just how much our bodies were already starting to get into shape. Neither of us felt the need to hurl.  We only paused the video twice (to check our heart rates) and while we didn't do the exercises as fast as they do them, we did them until the clock ran out.  Below is one of the pictures I had taken of me so that I can keep track of the transformation.  It's rather depressing to look at, but I already see changes happening! So, yeah, we're "Bringin' it!!" 

BEFORE (taken 4/30/2011)

Still Hanging in There

While I haven't had the time to blog about it on a daily basis, I have continued to stick with my daily exercise un-routine. I vary what I do to include Oxycise!, Pilates, 2 hour long treks through the still-deep snow in the woods, Shimmy (belly dancing), Zumba, and other programs that look like they might be interesting and fun. 

I would like to report that I was immensely heartened on measuring day (at the one week mark) when I discovered that I had lost a total of 5 1/4".  I told myself that I wouldn't worry as much about the scale, because I know how radically my weight fluctuates from day to day, and even when I lost inches in the past there would be times that the number on the scale went UP.  So, while I did buy a scale in the middle of last week, I will not beat myself up at the way the numbers go so long as I continue to get a positive movement in my inches. (And by "positive" I mean that I am losing them!!)

On another front, I also continue to wade through my feelings of extreme guilt at leaving my babies behind in Kuwait. Just this morning I had a rather vivid and indescribably heartbreaking dream that my son, Omar, had a brain tumor and he was dying from it.  I'd been running around looking all over for him to finally find him and when I tried to wrap him in my arms, he pushed me away, angry. When I asked him why, he told me that he'd been thinking all along that I left because I didn't love him or want him in my life. I was immediately hit with the realization that that was the cause of his brain tumor and then I enfolded him in my arms and cried out over and over again. I woke up (and woke Little Bear and Daddy Bear, too) crying out in rending sobs.  

I'm not under any illusions. I know that I made the choices that I did and now I (and the ones that my choices affected) have to live with the results. That being said, however, I wish the adults -- I use that term liberally -- involved would show a bit of maturity and not poison my children by telling them that they are or were ever unwanted or unloved. That is the farthest thing from the truth that one can get and it only causes more hurt to those that said "adults" purportedly love. 


Life is about change. Sometimes change is difficult to swallow. Sometimes it hurts -- a lot.  But in the end, assuming the change was for the right reasons, change is a wonderful thing.

Day 2 of My Quest for a Healthy Body

So, because I enjoyed myself so very much yesterday doing the Pilates workout, I decided that I'd do it again today. I have to say, about 15 minutes into the 1/2 hour workout, and I was feeling my thighs and abs! Still, it felt AWESOME and I didn't want to stop there, except my poor Little Bear isn't feeling well and he let me know that he thinks his Mommy is perfect the way she is. Or at least he let me know that he thinks his Mommy should give him her boobies the very second he wants them.

At any rate, I am chalking Day 2 up as a success and looking forward to tomorrow. I might even Zumba.

I know, frightening, right? Just be glad I haven't posted pictures.

Day 1 of my Quest for a Healthy Body

Oxycise! works. I know this because several years ago, after the birth of Omar, my fourth child, I had grown to epic proportions and felt like I would never again be able to fit into a single digit jean size. After a long conversation with my mom where we discussed different breathing programs that claimed to help you lose weight, my mother, who had switched to BodyFlex, sent her Oxycise! tapes to Kuwait, where her so-desperate-I'll-try-anything-even-ridiculous-breathing-programs daughter waited anxiously for them to arrive.

Well ... imagine my surprise when after the first week I'd lost 2 pounds and several inches over-all from my hips, thighs, waist and tummy! I figured it had to be a fluke, but I stuck with the daily 15 minute routine and low and behold the next week I dropped another pound and a few more inches. Breathing was actually helping me shed excess pounds and inches. It was CRAZY!

Anyhow, that is what I did today; 15 minutes of Level 1 Oxycise! and it felt invigorating. So much so that a few hours later I did a 30 minute Pilates routine. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now.

March Has Arrived

So now that the month of February has finally moved behind me, I can move on to better things. I almost wrote "bigger and better things" but decided that since my plan is to start shrinking myself this month, I would just avoid references to "bigger" anythings.

I never used to have to worry about my weight. I was a size 5 all through high school and then when I got out of boot camp at the age of 18, I had shrunk into a size 3! But ... six children and a bunch of years have happened to me and now I find that I am not very pleased at all with what I see in the mirror. I am humiliated that I have to buy Women's size 16 jeans and that if I want them to be comfortable at all, I need to make sure they have at least 20% lycra in them. And so, to that end, I am committing myself. No, not to an asylum, although that has been recommended in the past.  I am committing myself to a regular program of daily exercise and this blog is going to keep me accountable. I don't own a scale, though I will be investing in one very soon, but for now, I will simply start with basic body measurements and pray the numbers get smaller as the days pass.< So, if there is anyone at all that reads this with even a modicum of regularity, I would appreciate the odd note of encouragement or two. 

And so it begins ... 

Heavy Hearted

That's my eldest, Suad, in the blue. She just graduated from
the English School Fahaheel.

It never seems to fail. Since leaving Kuwait, whenever February rolls around, I end up going into a deep depression that takes monumental efforts for me to crawl back out of. I expend huge amounts of energy trying not to drag those around me into the mire.  I think I do a fair to middling job of it.

Why February? Well, it's no mystery to me. My firstborn's birthday is February 2. I haven't had any contact with her (other than a few short Facebook messages) or any of my other children that are in Kuwait in three years. Birthdays are always hard, usually for a few days before, on, and the next day or two after  as I'm inundated with memories of my various pregnancies, their births, and all the wonderful milestones of their infancies, toddler- and childhoods. 

Sure, the choice to leave Kuwait (and my children, by extension) was all mine and I would leave again. But I don't know that I would do it without at least trying to get them out with me. In my heart, having thought about it over and over again, I believed that leaving them with their father was the best thing I could have done for them. Afterall, he makes a tremendous amount of money and they would not ever want for anything in that sense. And honestly, I wasn't a great mom right around the time before I made the choice to leave. Attempting suicide wasn't my brightest hour. There's nothing I can do to change it.

As I sit here, feeling the crushing weight of this sorrow on my chest, all I can pray is that eventually they will find the compassion and understanding to forgive my choice and that they will seek me out when that time comes. In the meantime, I really wish February would end.